Tears and More Tears.
Posted by Seven on
May 31, 2008
Personalities are amazing things. It’s crazy how different people are from each other, even within the main personality types. I just went to this one-day retreat for women in leadership with my church, and a big part of it was talking about personalities and how to communicate with the different personality types.
I am pretty evenly divided between the Phlegmatic/Green/Peaceful type and the Melancholy/Blue/Perfect type, but I think I lean a little more strongly toward the Green. Classic Green symptoms include introversion, laid-back nature, indecision, passive aggression and the like. Basically we are peaceful in all we do. Even our anger is manifested mostly in resentment, which doesn’t cause strife anywhere but inside ourselves.
I do have a lot of the Blue tendencies too, though. I am hurt easily, tend to overthink things and read emotions into peoples’ comments to me that may or may not be there. Blues have the philosophy “Do it right or it’s not worth doing,” which unfortunately manifests itself in my life as tearing everything apart and reorganizing my whole closet rather than simply putting my laundry away and tidying a little bit.
It’s just interesting to think about. It gives me hope that I’m not as weird as I perceive myself to be… that some of my neuroses are catalogued (why does spellcheck not like that word? It’s correct, dangit) and documented and experienced by tons of other people.
Yesterday my parents dropped the bomb that they are going to start charging my brothers and me rent, which is not unreasonable. It was really unexpected, though, and since I’ve already been stressing out about how I’m going to come up with $475 for the dentist (just for step one!!!) on my $84-a-week salary, it hit me pretty hard. It’s interesting that I just did that personality thing today, because it totally explained my uber-emotional reaction: Greens don’t like to make decisions on a whim. We like to hang back and evaluate and give ourselves time to process things. I’ve been wondering what I should be doing with my life for a long time now, and this just felt like someone saying “You need to figure this out immediately.” It was overwhelming, and honestly, I wanted nothing more than to just shut down. All I could think was, “I’m barely affording the things I need right now… now I’m going to have to get another job… (I hate looking for jobs SO MUCH) … where should I look… I guess this means I have to figure out what I want to do with my life, or I’m just going to end up in another job that I hate… I haven’t been able to figure out what I want to do with my life for the past 26 years; how am I going to figure it out by the time the rent is due?” It was a scary thought process, and I cried most of the night.
On top of that, during this same family meeting in which I found out that my life just got dramatically harder, my parents asked if we had anything we wanted to discuss, like questions, comments, complaints, etc. I said that it would be nice if we could put a curfew on work-related things, maybe like if something comes up, say, after dinner, we could deal with it the next day. My dad I guess felt like everyone was attacking him and he got a little bit defensive, and to make a long story short, I ended up crying and he left the house and was gone for like 4 hours. I felt terrible because a) I made my dad upset and b) the issue wasn’t resolved and c) I hate being the source (or perceiving myself to be the source) of conflict and d) I HATE CONFLICT SO MUCH.
Today was a day full of tears also… I was still emotional from last night’s ordeal, and I had that retreat thingie this morning and it sort of drained me to be around all these people, but I had to go right to a baby shower for one of my ex-roomies from back in the day. So that was a little stressful, because it’s always hard to feel like my day is full with no room to rest and recover. And baby showers always hit a sore spot on me, because I always look around at all my married friends who are having babies and then I worry that I’ll never be the one in their place… I worry that 5 years from now I’ll still live with my parents and have a job that pays crap and still have no life or goals or ambitions or purpose. And that just makes me depressed. I was barely holding it together during the shower, and I cried all the way home.
I cried for nearly an hour after I got home, until my mom came in my room and talked with me for awhile. I told her that basically I was worried about everything under the sun and I was sure that I was destined to die alone and unloved (I wasn’t quite that dramatic, but nearly). We talked for awhile and when we were done, I felt a lot better. But I still cried off and on all evening. I was reading a novel, and no joke, no less than 4 parts made me cry, and it wasn’t even a sad book.
I’m not sure what’s wrong with me right now or why life seems so overwhelming and sucky right now. My emotions are all unreasonably out of whack, and I’ve been seriously contemplating that I might have a chemical imbalance. I’ve been annoyed at small things for a couple of weeks now, and so far it’s only gotten worse. Hopefully I’ve sunk as far down as I’m gonna go and things will start looking up soon.
Until then, if you have a funny story or a favorite LOLcat or something, I’d love to hear it, if you even made it to the bottom of this post. I’m a big fan of body humor…
14 Responses to “Tears and More Tears.”
Hi Seven,
I can totally relate to what you’re going through but I’m more on the parental unit side of things. I don’t know your parent’s reason for requesting rent but for me it’s about getting help to pay the mortgage and also about encouraging self-sufficiency.
-Jesse
Jesses last blog post..The People’s Guide to The Law of Attraction - Part One
By Jesse on Jun 1, 2008
i’m jumping in blind here, so don’t let me offend the blue you, okay?
how old are you? i don’t think it’s unreasonable for parents to charge rent, especially if you’re of an age where you should be out on your own pulling in a decent salary, have health insurance, and be investing for your 401k. Your parent’s goal in life is to make you self-sufficient, and letting you live in their home rent-free isn’t achieving that goal.
there’s nothing better than living in your own apartment, with a refrigerator full of food, and your favorite music on the stereo…all of which you purchased and nobody else can tell you to put in a different cd or buy whole wheat pasta instead or rearrange your bedroom furniture.
like i said…don’t know anything else of the situation than what you posted, but i think it’s good for everyone to get out on their own.
corrins last blog post..Playlist - Huey Lewis & The News
By corrin on Jun 1, 2008
Sad.. I love you, sis! I’ll be praying for you constantly.
Michaels last blog post..I’ve come to realize…
By Michael on Jun 1, 2008
Jesse and Corrin: No, I totally understand the whole rent thing; it was just a shock because it came out of the blue.
I totally don’t think it’s unreasonable for my parents to charge me rent… It just hit me hard because I’m already struggling on the small salary that I make working for my parents’ company.
While I do understand, I do feel a little bit like I’ve been demoted to tenant rather than daughter at the moment. Even though my head knows it’s right, my heart is a little hurt. I think my heart feels a little bit betrayed because I’ve been working for a small salary for a long time now on the understanding that my room and board are covered, in exchange for helping around the house and taking care of my sister.
I do know the joys of living on my own… I lived on my own for almost 4 years, and only moved back home because my landlords decided to sell my little house.
And like I said, I’ve been unreasonably upset about everything lately, so I’m sure I come across as a raving lunatic who won’t listen to logic, but I do know that there’s wisdom in growing up, and I don’t hate my parents or anything.
Thank you guys for your comments… I appreciate your honesty!
Michael: You’re the best. I love you too.
By Seven on Jun 1, 2008
The thing that ALWAYS cheers me up is The Office. It can cure anything. :-)
Maxies last blog post..It’s the freakin’ weekend! and some bullshit.
By Maxie on Jun 1, 2008
As for the situation, I don’t think it’s ridiculous for parents to charge rent, but if you’re working for them on a reduced salary and working at odd hours of the night, then it’s not really fair. If they want you to pay rent like a non-relative would, then they should pay your salary like a non-relative. At least that’s my opinion :-)
Maxies last blog post..It’s the freakin’ weekend! and some bullshit.
By Maxie on Jun 1, 2008
Funny and true story (never shared online before): When Hubs and I were dating, my extended family had a family thing and we had to drive an hour in the car with my parents and sister to get there. We ate at a seriously disgusting, frou frou place and everyone was miserable. On the way back, my poor lactose-intolerant tummy created the MOST FOUL GAS known to man. And it filled the whole SUV. Since, my new boyfriend was in the car, my family assumed that he was the stink-bomb and politely sat in the stinky torture for an hour! (If he hadn’t been there, they would have punked me out and teased me mercilessly). I thought it was hilarious! We drove the whole hour and they didn’t even crack the window!
There’s some body humor.
Two summers ago, I suffered from depression. It felt a lot like what you describe. I felt overwhelmed with it all. I’m going to list the symptoms of depression. If you meet 5 or more of these symptoms, then you should at least talk to a doctor. I hate taking medicine, but the Lexapro they gave me did slowly help me feel like the world was in color again after having been only black and white.
Symptoms of Depression:
Sleep changes - always sleepy or unable to sleep
Interest fades - in things you used to love
Guilty feelings -
Energy decrease -
Concentration becomes difficult
Appetite changes - eating a lot more or less
Psychomotor retardation - less common; slowed movement
Suicidal thoughts - I definitely had these! That’s what made me decide to get some help.
citystreamss last blog post..Free Bottles!
By citystreams on Jun 1, 2008
I’m going to agree with citystreams— I’ve struggled with depression (and anxiety) before, and it left me feeling much the same way you’ve described your current emotions.
With that said, a LOT of things can trigger depression (i.e. BIG MOVES???), so it’s not like you’re crazy forever. Or even crazy now. You’re not, and if you ever need ANYONE to talk to [honestly], email me.
designformankind@gmail.com
Design for Mankinds last blog post..update.
By Design for Mankind on Jun 1, 2008
Oh Seven… I don’t have anything amusing to share, but I do want to say that I admire your honesty. Plenty of what you’ve described resonates so much with me.
puglyfeets last blog post..Glass Button Brooch DIY
By puglyfeet on Jun 1, 2008
unfortunately, i have too many tears of my own these days to do much good for you. but i heart you!
Laras last blog post..Not the Defense You Might Have Been Expecting
By Lara on Jun 2, 2008
I’m sorry. This latest announcement about the rent has got to hit you hard after your dental woes.
$85 a week is not a lot. What type of work are you doing for your family’s business? I would think that you could parlay those skills into a new (and much better-paying) job.
I used to work for a Workforce Center helping people with their résumés. If you want help with yours, let me know.
Otherwise, this might be a kick in the pants to really figure out what you want in life: what your desires, goals and needs are for your future.
It’s scary, getting a job and a place away from the familiar, but you’ll be so glad you did it, and what’s more, so impressed with yourself for your courage to try something scary and unknown.
Pickles & Dimess last blog post..Masthead #20 – High school sketchbook
By Pickles & Dimes on Jun 2, 2008
When I was reading the post and you described the colors of personality, I kept thinking, “It ain’t easy being green!”
I blame Kermit. Heh.
Sorry to hear about the tears. I think things will work out eventually. They just have to. -hugs-
danas last blog post..Acci-Dental
By dana on Jun 3, 2008
Hello,
I just stumbled upon your blog and read this. Please know that there is ALWAYS HOPE. Life ALWAYS gets better eventually. You’ve been to a retreat with your church so I can tell you that is where the answer is–prayer–even if you can’t feel God–He is there. I will prayer for you too!
Body humor story. I have six kids the youngest two in diapers. My sister was here helping us clean/get ready for graduation of my oldest daughter. My sister comes walking with a little brown rock(?) She said “I thought this might be a rock but it’s a turd. You might want to check the diapers and see who’s leaking” Mess cleaned up. A few hours later my daughters boyfriend is here helping her clean up one room. I go in and see “rock” on floor and say “Oh no is that….?” Boyfriend says “that’s a rock” I picked it up. Not a rock. I told him if he my daughter ever break up I’ll have to kill him because he knows way too much about our family.
By Jill on Jun 4, 2008
hi lovely person. you do not need to figure this out in a day. say that outloud. now. say it. ok.
now, when i was going through the last ‘toughest’ part of my life, i realized i was going to give myself 3 months (it happened to be 3 months til my birthday) to BE NICE TO MYSELF. that means, if i decided to kiss a boy on the first date. fine. no guilt. if i decided to go to the grocery store for ice cream. fine. no guilt. work out for 2 hours, one hour being just a nice long walk. fine. no guilt. no guilt for not returning emails or calls as fast as i usually did. NO GUILT for normal stuff. it was MY TIME to get my life in order. to REALLY think about what i needed to do with my life to get out of the predicament i was in. it helped. it really helped to remind me that it was be nice to myself time. i learned a heck-uv-a lot from that 3 month stint. and guess what? i had it mostly figured out before the three months was up. but the best part was, i was KIND to myself.
By Leah on Jun 4, 2008