I Can’t…

Idea: Stolen from a bunch of different people. Answers: All my own.

I can’t handle the way old men smell.
I can’t keep a plant alive. Give one to me and witness the immediate beginning of the end.
I can’t pay more than $30 for a pair of jeans.
I can’t let a typo remain in anything I have ever typed.
I can’t play pretend. I’m always embarrassed, even if the only person around is six.
I can’t stop picking at hangnails and other various pieces of dead skin. SOMEBODY STOP ME.

I can put my hands flat on the floor without bending my knees.
I can remember birthdays of people I’m not even friends with anymore.
I can find amazing deals at thrift stores.
I can hold a baby like a champ.
I can go days without showering.
I can make great coffee.

I won’t pee in the woods, ever. Who has two thumbs and has to have a toilet? THIS GIRL.
I won’t ever cut bangs again.
I won’t shake my booty.
I won’t ever understand the boy band phenomenon.
I won’t stop dreaming about having a husband to be silly with and kids to embarrass.
I won’t ever like music by Philip Glass.

I will probably cut bangs again at some point. Rinse, regret, repeat.
I will always freak out when a moth or mosquito eater is flying around anywhere near me. DO NOT WANT.
I will get contacts the next time I get my eyes checked.
I will always laugh too loudly.
I will always use my thumb for a microphone when I’m singing to my sister in the car.
I will always feel more comfortable in a hoodie.

I shouldn’t be so worried about what other people think of me.
I shouldn’t spend so much money.
I shouldn’t eat sugar, like, at all.
I shouldn’t let my art supplies languish alone and unused in a drawer.
I shouldn’t buy any more purses.
I shouldn’t pick my toes. Buuuuuuut I do.

I should take my vitamins.
I should be more diligent about my car’s maintenance.
I should vacuum more often.
I should let people be close to me.
I should make more of an effort to relax my muscles instead of always holding myself in tense wariness.
I should take more naps.